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Birchbox September 2014 Review

Pretend its a month ago.

This was my Birchbox!:


I got stuff!:

Macadamia Professional Healing Oil Spray (travel size at 2 fl oz), retail value $14.50


Im still waiting on a genie in a lamp to deliver some magic "healing" hair ingredients. This spray consists mostly of water and fractionated coconut oil ("Capric/Caprylic Triglyceride") held in an emulsion by an emulsifying wax. You get a little glycerin, fatty esters, and fatty alcohols to keep moisture in, and theres a few silicones and inexplicable vitamins (e.g. Vitamin C and Vitamin E).

I wont say that there is no evidence that topical vitamin e can have any effects anything having to do with hair, but the evidence is shit like this study done in the 1960s on rabbits… and, as a bunny owner, I promise that bunnies arent good models for stuff like split ends. If you hope this is going to do something really specially for damaged hair, thats just not a realistic expectation.

However, if your expectations are "My hair is kinda dry and maybe I could spray this on it and it would be less dry" youve found the right sort of thing. It will do that.

It also has a nice sandalwood-y smell and its not at all greasy.

Acure Organics Day Cream (1 fl oz), approximate retail value $10.85


If there is one thing I hate as a person who kind of thinks things through sometimes, its the idea that plant stem cells are going to do anything (anything at all) to fix your face. Seriously, fuck everyone who markets shit like this.

The idea that fruit stem cells are going to help your skin was actually the topic of my first "Beauty Bullshit" post, which you can read here.

Gotu kola is not a fruit. Its a herbaceous plant… but the same logic applies.

This plant was presumably chosen because there is a lot of mythology around it… so much so that the American Cancer Society has had to formally come out and declare that "available scientific evidence does not support claims of its effectiveness for treating cancer or any other disease in humans."

The company is also advertising the benefits of its "chlorella growth factor". Chlorella is a single-celled algae and a growth factor is a substance that helps to stimulate cellular growth. Readers of this blog will likely be unsurprised to hear that its likely not helping your skin any.

Even leaving the pseudoscience aside, I cant get over the ridiculousness of a "day cream" without SPF in it. Isnt that the point of a "day cream"? Plus, the benefits of sunscreen are actual science...

Dr. Brandt Pores No More Vacuum Cleaner (0.25 oz), approximate retail value $11.25


This product definitely wont be pulling anything fancy out of your face. Basically, its a clear goop that you leave on your face until it turns into a slightly crusty, slightly blue/white goop (but like… not impressively… more like you got toothpaste foam on your face and didnt wash it off), and then you remove it.

I tend to try to avoid drying alcohols in my skincare, and this product has a lot of them. It also doesnt have glycolic acid or salicylic acid in enough quantities or at the right pH to be super helpful. There are much better products out there.

Ruffian Nail Lacquer in Naked (full size at 0.17 fl oz), retail value $10.00


As much as I love Ruffians cute little nail polish bottles, this has to be the ugliest color of nail polish I have ever seen.

When I saw it, the first thing I thought of was Soylent, the meal replacement product for people who inexplicably hate food:

Photo source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soylent_(drink)#mediaviewer/File:Homemade-Soylent.jpg

Putting it on my nails made me feel like I was getting ready to put on the khaki version of a Canadian tuxedo.


(It looks even worse when it chips.)

Ruffian Dressing Room Nail Lacquer Remover Towelettes (2 wipes), approximate retail value $2.40


I also got nail polish removing wipes because Birchbox correctly predicted that I would quickly want to remove that hideous nail color.

These wipes look snazzy. They are black. They are the nail polish wipe equivalent of a really fancy house you pin to inspirational Pinterest boards.


Unfortunately, like many things on Pinterest, reality is not as good as the fantasy. These remove nothing. After completely shredding one of these wipes trying to remove a single polished nail, I gave up and broke out my acetone and cotton rounds.

TEMPTU S/B Highligher (0.1 fl oz), approximate retail value $2.75


Finally, I got a highlighter in a golden bronzy shade that would probably be more appropriate for a blush on me.


Because the color is so orange and dark on me, it requires incredible amounts of blending. Basically, I just blend until I cant see it anymore.

Do you see the faint orange streak on my cheekbone below?

…thats this product.



Total Box Value: $51.75

Tl;dr: I hate everything and am a curmudgeon. A lazy curmudgeon who writes blog posts a month late.

If you mysteriously want to join Birchbox anyways, you could use this link… or another link, but this one is mine.

Available link for download

Birchbox June 2014 Review

When Im at work, I like to have a plan for dinner. I spend part of my day at work getting psyched up for the delicious food Im going to eat when I get home. Daydreaming about miscellaneous food doesnt work for me, because I will get fixated on something random and Ill be disappointed when dinner rolls around and were not having pasta/curry/waffles/whatever Ive talked myself into craving.

Its the same with Birchboxes. As soon as my box goes up for the month, I check out what Im getting and start to get excited. Thats why its been so frustrating that Birchbox has switched products on me at the last second for the past couple months!

Heres what I actually got (despite what the Birchbox website led me to believe):


Antica Farmacista Body Wash in Bergamot and Ocean Air (estimated 1 fl oz), estimated retail value $2.50


The lemon-y scent of this body wash is like a high class version of the lemon wipes I use to disinfect my kitchen countertops.

Evologie Stay Clear Cleanser (0.7 fl oz), approximate retail value $4.48


This is a bland cleanser by a brand that I have previously received a bland blemish serum from. I actually thought I had gotten a repeat product before I looked closer. Ive already mentioned that I dont like their weird, science-free "patent pending" complex because they dont provide sufficient information to show that it does anything and that I dont like the fact that they dont include the percentage of salicylic acid in the product. This cleanser also touts some alleged antioxidant effects of lycopene, but there simply isnt data showing any topical benefit.

The cleanser feels exactly like every other cleanser on the planet.

The Aloe Source Vitamin C Antioxidant Creme (0.25 fl oz), approximate retail value $10


Given that this is called a Vitamin C cream, the ingredients list for this product is surprisingly lacking in Vitamin C. Sodium Ascorbyl Phosphate shows up, but its pretty far down on the list. The ingredients have their fair share of "weird", though. DNA and RNA are both listed. What? Whose DNA? This is such a strange addition to the list that I wish I had more information to offer, if only for sheer what-the-fuckery.

The cream itself is pretty stinky, with the odor of an orange-colored Gatorade.

Phyto Phytolisse Ultra-Glossing Finishing Serum (0.16 fl oz), approximate retail value $2.82


I dont have particularly frizzy hair, so I cant give a very good review of this. It did not set my hair on fire when I used it. Frizz control efficacy unknown.

Cynthia Rowley Beauty Creamy Lip Stain in Valentine (0.079 oz), approximate retail value $9.29


Everything else in my box was pretty "meh", but I was definitely excited about this product. The Cynthia Rowley Beauty Line is exclusive to Birchbox. Although I am not an owner of any Cynthia Rowley clothing, I am a hoarder of the Cynthia Rowley Bandaids, which is almost the same thing. I strongly believe that she is good at making pretty things, and polka dot packaging on this lip stain only proves my point.

Despite the name, this product doesnt qualify as a lip stain. At our most generous, we could call this a lacquer. It doesnt stain my lips, though, and it doesnt even really dry.


Valentine is a lovely stawberry-esque pink. Its super wearable and the cute-as-a-button packaging doesnt hurt.

Heres how it looks on my face:



Total Box Value: $29.09

Overall, I feel okay about this box. The Cynthia Rowley lip-ma-bob was by far the standout product, and it did encourage me to try other products from the line. Everything else was really, really boring.

Image source: http://www.geekbinge.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/09/Ann_Arrested-Development.jpg

Thank goodness for Birchbox points, which can offset some of the less lovable months.

If you are interested in joining Birchbox, of course, you are always welcome to use my referral link by clicking here.

Available link for download

Birchbox December 2013 Review

Sometimes, a beauty box is filled with fabulous goodies that fill you with joy and seasonally appropriate cheer. Other times, its a beauty blogger nightmare that is so boring that its difficult to even say anything about it.

This is a story about the latter scenario. Yall are lucky you didnt get a blank page and a shrug.

Heres what I got:



FusionBeauty Lash Fusion XL (0.28 oz), approximate retail value $16.00


I was already giving this product a little of side-eye before I tried it, since its not-exactly-stunning two out of five star average review is enough to raise a few eyebrows.

Sure enough, this mascara is a flop. Except, you know, flops have drama. The most hilarious part about this mascara, to me, is Birchboxs rather banal claim that "You’ll only need one coat for long, glamorous lashes." This is just blatantly false. A single coat of this mascara is invisible. If you reeeally coat on that dry-as-hell formula, you can get some very natural looking lashes. Whoever labeled this "XL" needs a new size chart.


The one thing I will say about this mascara is that it would be a good choice for anyone who goes head-over-heels for the "no makeup makeup" look. Unsubtle mascara and glossy lips are the two things that most easily ruin the makeup-free illusion. This product wont betray you there.

Before Mascara:


After Mascara:


Benta Berry G1 Exfoliating Facial Cleanser (0.1 fl oz), approximate retail value $1.60


This... is... a facewash. You can wash your face with it. I have literally nothing of note to say about it. Its exfoliate-y. If you put it in drugstore packaging and told me it cost $3, I would believe you. 

Dr. Lipp Original Nipple Balm for Lips (0.1 fl oz), approximate retail value $2.90


If you have ever pet a sheep, you are familiar with the feeling on lanolin, a secretion from wool-producing livestock comprised mostly of waxy esters. Dr. Lipps Nipple Balm is just a big tube of lanolin.

As the product name suggests, lanolin is frequently used to soothe the sore nipples of breastfeeding mothers. (Dr. Lipp is really embracing the "nipple" theme by adorning their website with drawings of pin-up girls patting a small doctor-man on the head.) On your lips, it works as an emollient.

Even though the ingredients are different, I found it striking how similar this product felt to a tube of Carmex with the word "nipple" on the front. (Carmex usually includes lanolin as the fourth ingredient.)

Styled by Hayadi Pure Happy Smooth (1 fl oz), approximate retail value $4.38


I have no idea what this product is. Is it a heat protectant? Well, it doesnt have any of the ingredients that heat protectants have... (For more about the science of heat protectants, click here.) Its got keratin in it, but that means absolutely nothing. You might be able to use it for styling, but, given that I style my hair literally never, thats not very helpful. Birchbox is calling this a "hair lotion", but I have no idea what that even means.

It smells kinda nice, so I guess theres that...?

Emilys Chocolates Chocolate Covered Fortune Cookies (1), approximate retail value $1.00


This was definitely my favorite thing in this box (not that it had a shitload of competition). Although its not an intuitive combination, the milk chocolate plus fortune cookie pairing is basically brilliant. I will probably throw in a few of these the next time I make an order from the Birchbox shop.

I seriously doubt theyll last very long, though.

...in bed.

Total Box Value: $25.88

...meh. 

If you are inexplicably struck with a desire to subscribe to Birchbox, you are always invited to use my referral link by clicking here.

Available link for download

Birchbox April 2014 Review

My Birchbox finally showed up my my doorstep, despite the grammatically incorrect tracking information and the unreasonably long, five-day pit stop in Indiana.

Wrong "its", Birchbox! (I am a pedant.)

In addition to their samples, Birchbox also send out little cards with rainy day ideas. Unfortunately, 100% of the tips that I have seen so far have been TERRIBLE. Two of the tips were "sleep longer" (if its a weekend, Im doing that anyways; if its a weekday, thats not an option) and "wear a sweatshirt". Weirdly, they are trying to sell these... for money.

This month, my samples included:

Anastasia Beverly Hills Clear Brow Gel (0.085 oz), approximate retail value $6.68


If I am being honest here, I have never found a clear brow gel that is noticeably different from any other clear brow gel. They are all exactly the same to me. This is a clear brow gel and it works exactly like every other clear brow gel in the world.


With that said, Im not disappointed that I got this, as I throw away clear brow gels pretty quickly, since they always get easily clogged up by yucky brown product. It also let me know that Anastasia Beverly Hills is in the Birchbox store, which is awesome news. Ill definitely be picking something up with my points next time I make a purchase from Birchbox. (No sign of the new Dipbrow Pomade, though, which is a bummer.)

Davines Oi Absolute Beautifying Shampoo (0.4 fl oz), approximate retail value $1.10
Davines Oi Absolute Beautifying Shampoo (0.4 fl oz), approximate retail value $1.51


Youve heard me say it before: I have a lot of hair. I have hair that needs quite a bit more than 0.4 fl oz to shampoo and conditioner. Getting little packets of shampoo and conditioner is worthless for me, since it is less than a single use; I never get a good chance to try it. For the same reason, I am not going to spend $32 for 8.45 fl oz of conditioner, which would only give me about ten uses.

With that said, I did think these smelled really fabulous. It was a sandalwood-y smell that reminded me of a sexy perfume.

GUYandGIRL Shower Gel (1.01 fl oz), approximate retail value $2.49


Theres sort of a distinct, nondescript smell that hotel body washes exude. This product smells so strongly of "generic hotel body wash" that its no surprise that they are typically featured in hotels.

I also dont really understand the premise of the brand. Birchbox says, "For anyone who’s ever swiped their significant other’s bath products [raises hand], there’s a new way to avoid a potentially uncomfortable confrontation down the line: going Dutch on a single bottle of GUYandGIRL’s Shower Gel." My boyfriend already uses 90% of my bath products even though they do not contain the word "guy" on the packaging (my bath bombs are MINE, though), and Im not sure I want to encourage him to steal more of my things.

I tried to find out a little bit more about the company by googling "guyandgirl bath", but all I got was porn.

KIND Healthy Grain Bar in Maple Pumpkin Seeds with Sea Salt (1.2 oz), approximate retail value $0.79


I know that people get all grumpy about getting food in their Birchbox, but this granola bar is fucking delicious. Its not very maple-y, but its really salty, and salt is my soulmate. I have already bought a 15 pack on Amazon and Im going to throw a few in my desk at work for snacks.

Color Club Gala Gem Collection in Gold Struck (0.25 fl oz), approximate retail value $3.25


Gold Struck is more of a super shiny champagne. I actually found it was opaque in a single coat, although brushstrokes are pretty hard to camouflage due to the slightly streaky formula.



Total Box Value: $15.82

The Kind granola bar was the only product in my Birchbox that I was really over the moon about. The brow gel and the nail polish were enjoyable, and the bath products didnt work well for me. I wish there had been at least one other product where I thought, "fuck yeah, Im so excited about this!", but I wouldnt say the box was disappointing.

If you are interested in joining Birchbox, you are always welcome to use my referral link by clicking here.

Available link for download

Birchbox November 2013 Review

Lets keep this short and sweet. Heres what I got in my Birchbox this month:


Eyeko Skinny Liquid Liner (0.04oz), approximate retail value $9.14


The Eyeko Skinny Liquid Liner is one of my favorite eyeliners and I am borderline annoyed at Birchbox for robbing me of my ability to do a full review. (Since I also own a mini, I went ahead and took pictures of my old, beat-up one so as to not unnecessarily open the new one.) The shape is what really sets it apart from other pen eyeliners: it allows you to create both thin and thick lines that are smooth and attractive, making it perfect for dramatic eyeliner looks.


Its drawbacks are similar to other pen eyeliners: it can get clogged up with eyeshadow and sometimes it feels dried out if it is not stored upside down. Thus, if you hate pen eyeliners, it probably wont change your mind.

Mighty Leaf Tea Pouches in Green Tea Tropical, Organic African Nectar, and Vanilla Bean, approximate retail value $1.99


Ive bought Mighty Leaf Tea in the past, but this sample definitely re-kindled my love. The aromas are so appealing and they are perfect for dreary winter days in the office. Vanilla Bean smells super vanilla-y. Organic African Nectar was weirdly mint-y. My favorite, though, was Green Tea tropical. I had to restrain myself from shoving my mug of tea under my co-workers noses and shouting, "SMELL THIS. IT SMELLS SO GOOD!"

All the teas are the perfect balance of mild but flavorful.

Vasanti Brighten Up! Enzymatic Face Rejuvenator (0.71oz), approximate retail value $5.67


I know its not Birchboxs fault that they sent me a ton of things I already own, since they cant stalk my possessions, but its kind of silly that this is the THIRD product in this box that I already had sitting around.

BrightenUp uses a papaya enzyme called papain as an exfoliant. Its usually (sexily enough) used to liquify necrotic tissue in a prescription-strength drug called Accuzyme. It works by breaking down the extracellular matrix of the skin. I cant speak to the concentration of papain in BrightenUp, but its definitely theoretically sound.

There is also got a bunch of aluminum oxide in it (thats what the "microderm crystals" actually are), which works as a physical exfoliant. Aluminum oxide is used for a shitload of abrasive purposes, like making sandpaper or toothpaste. (Some people find that physical exfoliation is too rough on their skin, and if you are one of those people, obviously dont use this.)

BeeKind Body Lotion (1.01 fluid oz), approximate retail value $1.89


Im not much of a body lotion person, and Im not much of lemon-scent lover, so Im not the best person to be reviewing this product. I will say that it is not at all greasy, which was really nice. I also thought that the packaging seemed really professional and classy, given the low value of the sample. I think it will make a pretty nice foot lotion.

Color Club Cocktail Hour Collection in On the Rocks (0.25 fluid oz), approximate retail value $4.00


I tend to like Color Club nail polishes. This one, though, may be the best nail polish Ive gotten from Birchbox. The pictures are a single coat of polish! It looks like tin foil! You need this in your life!

Total Box Value: $22.69

Im actually really happy with this box, even though I got a bunch of stuff that I already own. Its hard to complain about getting a spare of one of your favorite products!

If you are filled with a intense desire to join Birchbox, you are always welcome to use my referral link by clicking here.

Available link for download